The girl whose baby died.

My life has been changed forever.  Losing Kaiya has made me realize there are so many things in everyday life that just don’t matter.  Yet, at the same time, I have realized just how much each little moment does matter.  “Don’t cry over spilt milk” is a phrase with a whole new meaning.  When you have experienced pain and anguish like this spilling a glass of milk, or even the whole gallon, doesn’t really matter.   Your life is not forever changed by spilling a little milk. Things that once made you cry, now make you laugh.  Things that once made you angry, now roll off your shoulder.

On the other hand, some things matter more.  Have you ever seen the most perfect snow flake land on your windshield?  Would you even remember a day later if it did?  This happened to me over a week ago, and I can still picture it.  God’s perfect little reminder, that there has to be more than this!

I used to get angry when I’d see a mom of multiple children pile all the kids into the car, hop behind the wheel, and light up a cigarette.  Now I have visions of kidnapping all her children and leaving her to fend for herself in the woods, with the bears. No, I wouldn’t really take another mother’s child from her.  No, I wouldn’t really ever hurt another human being.  It’s not my nature. I am a lover, not a fighter.  I always have been and that part of me will never change.  Though, seeing children put in danger, or treated poorly, makes me want to fight.  How can a mother not love her children?  How can a mother treat her children like dirt?  Doesn’t she realize if they were gone in the blink of an eye, her life would end, as she knows it?  She too, would be changed forever.

It is hard not to ask “Why?” about a million different things every day. Why did she die?  Why is she gone, and the 100’s of other babies I know born the same time as her, are still here?  Why is my baby, who I loved more than anything in the world and gave everything she ever needed, gone? When there are so many unwanted children being treated like dirt, left here on Earth with parents who don’t care?  I don’t wish for anyone, ever, to lose a child.  I don’t wish another baby could have died instead of Kaiya.  That is not what my questions or thoughts are meant to portray.  I simply wish MY baby did not die.  I wish no babies ever had to die.

So next time your kids are on your last nerve and you just wish you could get away from them, think of me.  I’m not saying parents shouldn’t spend time away from their children every now and then.  I know every parent needs that.  Just think before you speak and be careful what you wish for.

When you lose a child, your life is forever changed.  I will never wake up in the morning feeling complete.  I could have 10 more babies in my life time, but I will always have one less than I should.  I will never be whole.  I will forever be the girl whose baby died.


Kaiya Rae’s Momma


7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Michelle Burks
    Jan 27, 2011 @ 14:50:04

    You are in my thoughts and prayers ever day!! ❤


  2. Becky_mommyof4
    Jan 27, 2011 @ 15:05:43

    Hugs and thanks for writing this i think some I always wonder why some people haev children who deffinately should not adn than those that deserve bbies either lose them or cant have them at all.. My cousin adn best friend lost tehir baby 2 days beofre she was due it was horriable adn that opened up my eyes that was in 2001 and now your story has opened them even wider… I deff think of you everytime my kids drive me crazy.. I feel in my heart for you.. And know that you would have loved Kaiya to grow and drive you crazy.. Thank You for posting this and hope that others read this and have a eye opener. Don’t take anything or anyone for granted they could be gone in teh blink of a eye. Hugs Mama your awsome adn amazing


  3. Karla
    Jan 27, 2011 @ 17:04:28

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I dont think there has been a day that I have not thought of you and Karl. Since your lost I have felt very different about my Hannah, challenging as she can be she has filled my life with so much happiness. I have taken everyday for granted, buy will no more. Reading your words today just made me want to hold her and not ever let her go. My heart be with you always.


  4. Emma
    Jan 28, 2011 @ 04:23:02

    I have tears, love you and baby Kaiya so much. I wish so hard that thingws were different, thinking of you guys always xoxo


  5. Marisela
    Jan 29, 2011 @ 03:10:14

    Oh, Do I know where you are coming from…. I have my four kids but like you said, I don’t feel complete because It would have, could have been five. That was the “magic” number for me… since I was a young girl, I always said I wanted 5 children. I do have five children… only one is with me in spirit, watching me from above. People “forget” that I lost my precious baby boy and have moved on with their lives and I guess think that I have forgotten him or think that the pain of losing my child has gone away…… but that’s not possible…. a mother that has lost their child will NEVER be the same… they will never feel complete, the pain will never go away, they will always wonder…. what if? Days go by and everything around me remind me of him… what he would have and could have been doing… It’s hard… very hard… but we are strong women and we will get through this with the help of God. Like I’ve said before.. I think of you and pray for you and your baby girl daily.


  6. Jennifer Cooney
    Jan 29, 2011 @ 19:27:32

    “I could have 10 more babies in my life time, but I will always have one less than I should. I will never be whole. I will forever be the girl whose baby died.”

    This is so well put, you put my feelings into words. since my loss was a twin, people are so quick to point out that I still have her twin, and I still have my other three. But I should have 5, not 4. Each child is it’s own person, different and special. They can never make up for her.


    • Ashley
      Feb 20, 2011 @ 09:20:52

      Jennifer, I know exactly what you mean. My daughter, Alexis Faith, was born still the same day her twin brother, Nathan Reid, was born. It is such a crazy experience. You have such incredible grief at the same time you have such incredible joy. Everytime he is a day (week, month) older is a day (week, month) since my daughter passed. Everytime I look at him I think “Why isn’t she here?” Holidays, birthdays, celebrations…she should be there. When he wears an outfit that coordinated to one I had for her, it hurts a little. Yes, I am so thrilled beyond measure that he is perfect and healthy and here, but that doesn’t take away how painful it is that she isn’t here. It is such a strange guilt-laden thing to go through. I know in my heart I have 3 children, 2 here, and 1 in heaven. I wish she was here everyday. I believe I will miss her everyday. I know life goes on, I smile and enjoy life, but I still think of her everyday.


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