Sometimes the answer is…

I spend hours of my life these days searching, researching, questioning.  Trying to find an answer to why my baby is not here.  Every question turns up a possible new idea, another possible cause.  Nothing is definite.  Nothing ever will be.  Doctors, coroners, and researchers a like can’t find an answer.  Not one that they can say they are certain about anyway.

Today we went back to see one of the doctors that treated Kaiya at Children’s.  We were hoping to discover that he had seen something in the autopsy that we had missed.  Perhaps there was something written in doctor language, that we didn’t understand.  Perhaps something that would help us understand what happened.  Unfortunately he found that “the autopsy wasn’t very helpful.”

It could have been a heart arrhythmia that caused her to heart to stop.  But they don’t really know, because there is no way to know what her heart was doing right before it stopped.  She could have stopped breathing first, consequently causing her heart to stop. It could have been something genetic, but it’s unlikely, as she was so healthy up until that point.  Nothing is certain.  The only thing certain is that she wasn’t sick, she wasn’t hurt, and she didn’t have any abnormalities.  The only thing certain is that she is gone. And no one knows why.

Sometimes the answer is, there is no answer.

I refuse to believe that a completely healthy, normal, happy baby girl just died.  For no reason.  I don’t think I will ever stop searching, researching, questioning, hoping, wishing, dreaming.   I don’t think I will accept that Undetermined and SIDS mean the same thing.  That is, I will not stop until the answer is found or I die.  Lord, let it be the former, rather than the latter.

I didn’t cry today.  I guess there is something each day to be thankful for.  Now it isn’t midnight yet, so the tears may be yet to come, but for now, I am thankful for a day with out tears.

I love you Kaiya Rae.  To the moon and back, forever and a day.  You are the light in my life, even if you must now shine from Heaven.


Kaiya Rae’s Momma


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Christina Bakker
    Feb 01, 2011 @ 19:38:38

    Love you ❤


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