I don’t want to, but I must

Another baby has died.  Another little angel, flown off to Heaven to get her wings, leaving her momma here on Earth to cry, wondering, why?  How does this happen?  How is it that I had only ever heard of 2, maybe 3 infants dying from SIDS in my entire life, but now that I have gone through it, it is all around me, happening what seems like every day??

It’s like when you buy a new car.  You don’t know anyone who owns the same make and model as you.  You have hardly ever seen one drive by you on the street.  Then, on the way home from the dealer you see 20 of them.  If only this were exciting and fun, like buying a new car.

This new life, this new title, SIDS mom, isn’t exciting.  It isn’t fun.  I hate it.  I don’t want it.  I want my old life back!  I want my baby back.

I spent some time talking with a momma who just lost her baby on January 29th.  So far they don’t know what caused her death, but believe it might due to SIDS.  She was only 2 weeks old. Here I am, less than 3 months after loosing Kaiya Rae, attempting to be a support system to this woman that I have never met.  She can’t breathe, she can’t stop crying, she wants to sleep through the pain and never wake up.  This all sounds so very familiar, and not so very long ago I was her.   I don’t want to be the one that knows what she is going through.  I don’t want to know what her pain feels like.  I don’t want to, but I do.  I have been there, not so long ago, and I know how much she needs me.  I want to scream and cry and ask “WHY GOD, WHY?”, all over again, for her.  I cannot.  I must be strong.  I must tell her everything she feels is normal and that the pain will ease and she will breathe again.  It’s true, if she takes it one day at a time, she will be ok.  She can do it.  I know because, I am. I am doing it every day.  I don’t want to, but I must.

I remember not being able to get out of bed.  I remember waking up in tears morning after morning.  But, life goes on, and we must too. We must learn to breathe, learn to live, learn to laugh again. We will never be the same.  We will never be whole.  It will always hurt.  But, we will be ok.  I don’t want to know this, but I must.  I didn’t choose this life, but it is mine.

“You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only option.”

I am strong because I must be.  I have no other option.  I am strong for this momma who needs me now.  I am strong, because God has made me that way.

Kaiya Rae, Momma has a request for you.  Please baby girl, be the angel we know you are.  Open your arms and welcome baby Lydia into Heaven’s nursery.  Show her the way, just as I must show her momma the way.  I love you my sweet angel, momma’s little lady bug.  Forever and Always.

Love Always,

Kaiya Rae’s Momma

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Morgan
    Feb 06, 2011 @ 15:30:55

    How incredibly sad. :*(

    Reply

  2. Becky_mommyof4
    Feb 06, 2011 @ 18:12:52

    As usual you are just amazing adn so incrediablly strong

    Reply

  3. Stephanie A. Colvin
    Feb 06, 2011 @ 22:56:02

    Everyday I read your blog I am more amazed by your strength and courage.

    Reply

  4. *Tonya*
    Feb 07, 2011 @ 14:00:41

    Each time I read your words I am reminded of the day I found out that little Kaiya grew her angel wings. I can only imagine the pain in your heart as you write these words. May God continue to give you the strength you need with each passing day.

    Reply

  5. Natalie Bravo
    Feb 20, 2011 @ 19:15:30

    Oh Andrea, I cry as I read this. Everything I have read has really helped me in some way. I know that I can do it, if you can, and so many oothers have. Thank you. I know how hard this is. I hope that someday soon, Im strong enough to help you on days that you need it, and also others who will go through this is in the future. I love you

    Reply

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