Another hurdle on its way

It is almost the 17th.  It doesn’t matter what month, or how old she would be.  Just that it will be the 17th.  It happens to be February and she would be 8 months old on Thursday.  I have been looking at the calander all month, watching it get closer and closer, and I wonder, will every month be like this?  Will there ever be a time when the 17th of the month will pass I wont notice?  I doubt it.  I just hope it doesn’t feel like this on the 17th of February 2020.  Irrational thoughts kreep into my head like “If our next baby is born on the 17th of a month, we will never be able to enjoy his or her birthdays” or “it will be bad luck.”  Also I think, it is one more month closer to the dreaded big day.  Her 1st birthday is only 4 months away.  How excited we would be if she were here.  Planning and pining over what the day would be like.  Wishing time would slow down, that she wouldn’t grow so fast.  Now I just want time to go faster.  I want the day be here and be over. 

Instead we are not planning a big party for her, deciding what her first cake will be like, who will help her blow out the candles, will it rain or will be play outside on her new slide? (Yes I bought her a slide for her first birthday when she was only 3 months old. It now lives in our basement waiting very impatiently for a day that will never come.)  Now wer are wondering what we should do, and who will come to birthday party in a cemetary, for a baby who is long gone? Will anyone else remember her birthday?  Will they send cards?

This is my life now.  It is 4 months away, yet is consumes my mind.  Even this blog entry was not supposed be about her 1st birthday, but as I said thinking about the 17th, no matter what month it is, ultimately leads me there.  I miss her so much.  It hurts just as much today as it did the day she died.  I have learned to function in the real world again, but inside I am still falling apart.  I have learned to laugh, and learned to hope for the furture again.  Yet, part of me will always be stuck in the past, stuck in a time when she was with me. 

You are the most beautiful thing I have ever known, sweet Kaiya Rae.  I miss you more than anyone could ever express in words. 

Love,

Kaiya Rae’s Momma

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Amee
    Feb 15, 2011 @ 13:54:06

    I would be there celebrating her 1st birthday with you.
    I can only give you the biggest hugs right now.

    Reply

  2. Marisela
    Feb 15, 2011 @ 14:47:30

    Saying a little prayer for you and sending a hug your way.
    ❤ Marisela

    Reply

  3. Holli
    Feb 17, 2011 @ 11:12:02

    You will always remember the 17th. It just won’t always be so painful.

    Reply

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