A bad day

Some days are just harder than others.  Most days lately are not so bad, ok, or even “good.”  Some days, though, are just rough.  Today was one of those days.  It started with me not able to sleep from 3-5am, then a rough morning running late for work and spilling cat food pellets all over the kitchen floor.  No day could end up good after that.  Add the power of grief, and returning stage of anger and you have a recipe for disaster!

I got angry when I saw pictures of a baby from Kaiya’s playroom (from an online mommy message board site I belong to) who looks so much like Kaiya.  She was standing up, looking oh so “grown up” almost 9 months old.  I was angry because I thought to myself “This is what Kaiya would look like now” and held a picture of my 4 month old little angel up to her face.  Angry because I have no idea what she would look like and will never know.  Angry because I tried so desperately to compare her to this baby, because I so badly want to see her, feel her, hear her again and know what she looks like.  Angry because all the babies from her playroom are turning 9 months old and are sitting, crawling, standing and even cruising.  All things I will never see my Kaiya Rae do.  But most of all angry because looking at them made me angry.

I love babies.  All babies, I can’t help it, I have always loved them.  I never, ever want the feeling of anger associated with babies again!  Since Kaiya’s death, I have still always felt a touch of happiness around babies.  I have held quite a few babies of all different ages since losing my girl.  Each one has brought a smile to my face and a feeling of hope.  I can’t get enough and I have baby fever bad!  Not once, during all the stages of grief I have been through, have my ill emotions ever been directed toward a beautiful, innocent baby.  It hurt so bad when this happened today.  Poor little one, I am oh so sorry.  You make me think of my beautiful little girl and for that I am so thankful.

As much as I miss my beautiful girl, I don’t just miss my Kaiya, I miss having a baby of my own.  I wish so bad I could have her, my Kaiya Rae, back in my arms again.  I know this will never happen, until I meet her again in Heaven.  But I long so much to have another.  A baby of my own, to hold, rock, feed and love.  I know a new baby will not be Kaiya.  I know I can never, ever, replace her.  I will ALWAYS miss my Kaiya Rae.  No baby will ever take that away.  A new baby will give me the gift of motherhood again.  I will always be Kaiya’s momma.  I have a beautiful baby girl who I love more than anything.  But I long for an Earth baby.  One who will stay, a long while.  One I can hold, and sing to.  Rock, feed, play with.  One I will see crawl, walk and talk.  I long to watch a baby of my own grow up.

Please God, bless us someday, with a baby whose soul is meant to stay.


Kaiya Rae’s Momma


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Morgan
    Mar 11, 2011 @ 20:01:36

    Andrea, I can’t wait for you to have another little one of your own. Everyone knows he or she could never replace beautiful baby Kaiya, but you do deserve to be a mommy to a baby that’s meant to stay here on earth (like you said). I’m sorry you had a bad day. Thanks for sharing 🙂


  2. Jess
    Mar 11, 2011 @ 20:19:27

    Andrea I’m sorry you had a bad day 😦 I hope God blesses you soon with another baby. Of course that baby will never replace Kaiya and you will still miss her, but as Morgan said you deserve an earth baby too. I always love to read your blog and look forward to reading the day you decide to take that step.


  3. Michelle Burks
    Mar 12, 2011 @ 00:59:23

    You and Carl are in my thoughts and prayers everyday!!


  4. Becky_mommyof4
    Mar 12, 2011 @ 13:20:22

    hugs if you need to talk we are all here for u


  5. *Tonya*
    Mar 23, 2011 @ 10:00:39

    I believe that God knows the amount of love you have in your heart and that soon you will have a baby here on earth to give that love to. At the same time though knowing that no one can every replace Kaiya.

    Kaiya is such a big part of our playroom and always will be. We love you!


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