Easter in Heaven

I wonder what it was like to celebrate Easter in Heaven, with Jesus himself! How amazing to celebrate the beginning of Heaven, with the man who made it all possible, right in Heaven!  I found myself wishing yesterday that Kaiya was here to wear a pretty Easter dress, and hunt for eggs.  Instead she wears wings and flies with Angels!  I can picture her, chasing after real Easter bunnies, in fields of everlasting Easter Lilies.  Petting the softest fur, softer than any animal on Earth.  I don’t think they hunt for eggs in Heaven.  I bet they think it’s silly!  I wonder how they celebrate.  Maybe all the people in Heaven take turns visiting Jesus and thanking him for dying on the cross.  I guess the angels must have brought Kaiya to Him, I’m not sure she could get there on her own.  Or maybe she can, it is Heaven after all, and she has wings! Maybe he visited her in the Angel’s nursery, just as I asked him to do.  I’m sure it was glorious day.  Everyday in her new home is a glorious day.  Someday I will see it too and enjoy glory, forever, with my sweet baby girl.

Happy Easter sweet angel.  We missed you so much yesterday!

Love,

Kaiya Rae’s Momma

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How long will it take?

Will there ever be a day where I can leave the house without wondering “who will I have to tell today?”  I don’t understand how everyone doesn’t know yet.  She has been gone five, long, excruciating months.  Still, there are friends of friends, parents of past patients, old costumers, and other miscellaneous acquaintances, who just haven’t heard.  How many times must we answer “Where is the baby today?” or “Aren’t you missing someone?”  To be honest, I feel much worse for the people asking, then I do for us.  We are used to it.  We tell her story almost on a daily basis.  We miss her like hell.  It hurts.  I can’t deny that.  I can tell you that tears come more quickly, hearts pound much faster and guilt crosses the eyes of the person asking the question.   If they haven’t heard by now, really, why would they even imagine the answer would be, what the answer is?  Nobody assumes a baby has died when they see a couple walking with out her in the grocery store, or out dinner.  A thousand things may cross their mind, but this, I assure you is almost never one of them.  She could be with her grandparents, a neighbor, the sitter, her aunt, her uncle.  She is anywhere but gone.  In the perfect, normal, all is well, world they live in, dead is a simply unfathomable option. I can tell them my story, I can honor my little girl, over and over.  It hurts.  I want to run away and hide, but I don’t.  We do it again and again, because we must.  I simply explain what happened, they start to cry, I say “please don’t, it’s ok”, even though it isn’t and want them to cry and mourn and get angry, just like the rest of us.  I just don’t want to watch it, because then I will join them.  I cry enough tears to fill an ocean, I can’t cry every time someone else does too.  It is just so amazing to me that five months later there are still people who just don’t know.  I wonder how many people will still not know when we have a second baby.  Will they think “didn’t they have the baby a while ago?” or ask “where is your oldest today?”  How long will it take for the whole world to know!?

That’s my story today folks.

Happy 10 Months sweet Kaiya Rae.  We miss you angel.

Love,

Kaiya Rae’s Momma

Diving in

I wear many hats these days.  I’m diving in full force on new projects, ideas and activities. Please don’t think I am practicing “avoidance.”  None of this is an attempt to forget what has happened or forget that I miss my sweet angel.  Most of what I do is because of her, for her, and makes me think of her often!

New hat number one: Actress.  After Kaiya passed away I auditioned for a play, and got a great part.  It was fabulously fun and I will most likely be doing another one some day.  I used to wear the Actress hat a lot when I was a kid, but hadn’t put it on in over 10 years!  I sure did miss it.

New hat number two: Nursery Attendant.  I guess that is what I would call it.  I volunteer to sit in the nursery for any babies/kids that might need a place to hang out while their parents enjoy service at church.  Some weeks I have been alone with no kids to entertain.  Some weeks I have had some older (and sometimes ROWDY!) kids needing a place to hang out on Sunday afternoon while parents are in meetings for church activities like VBS planning, Church Ed., etc.   I’m hoping to get some little ones.  The nursery was closed for a while so parents got used to just keeping the little ones in service, and for the most part this just happens to be widely accepted in our church, so no one really minds a crying baby or two.

New hat number three:  Volunteer.  This is a large umbrella of a hat.  Under this hat I fit in my local volunteering for the recent program called Cinderella’s Closet.  This is an amazing program for high school girls to get a free prom dress when they can’t otherwise afford one.  Many girls would simply not attend their Prom if this program did not exist.  It has been an amazing experience.  I have also become increasingly involved with First Candle, the organization devoted to finding a cause and cure for SIDS, helping families affected by SIDS (and Still birth and other sudden infant losses).  I wrote an article for the newsletter, I will taking part in starting some new programs through the peer contact program and some other little projects that I will be helping with through this organization.  I wish I didn’t know First Candle existed, but I am so very glad it does.  If I have to wear the SIDS Mom Hat, at least I can wear it with dignity and stand up for my baby girl and all her angel friends and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

Well there you have it.  The life of this SIDS mom sure is busy, but it doesn’t make me miss her any less!  Everything I do is for you sweet angel.

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.

Love Always,

Kaiya Rae’s Momma

Missing you

Dear Kaiya Rae,
I miss you so much my angel. I can’t get you off my mind this week. Not that I ever stop thinking of you anyway. Not that I ever want to. Some days are just so much harder than others. I just want to hold you so bad, and I wonder who is holding you now? Are you a baby, or did God give you a body to match your wise spirit? Do you still love music? Do the angels have better voices than your momma? Oh how I wish you could answer me. Oh how I wish I could feel you in my arms. I almost forget what you feel like, what you smell like. I tell you I love you every day. Do you hear me? I think you do, but I wish you could tell me for sure. Everything I do is for you baby girl. In honor of you, for you, in memory of you. Not a day goes by that I don’t think “What can I do to honor my sweet baby today?” I hope I am doing all the right things. I hope you see how hard I try. Sometimes I am angry because you are gone. Please know I am never angry with you. When I scream and I yell, it is because I miss you so bad that it hurts. It is the only way to get the pain out. I am not angry with you. I am not angry with God. I am just, angry. I try to find happiness in each day. I know you try to send me some when I am feeling down. I just want you to know how much you have changed my life. You mean more to me than I could have ever imagined. I love you so.

Love Always,
Momma