How long will it take?

Will there ever be a day where I can leave the house without wondering “who will I have to tell today?”  I don’t understand how everyone doesn’t know yet.  She has been gone five, long, excruciating months.  Still, there are friends of friends, parents of past patients, old costumers, and other miscellaneous acquaintances, who just haven’t heard.  How many times must we answer “Where is the baby today?” or “Aren’t you missing someone?”  To be honest, I feel much worse for the people asking, then I do for us.  We are used to it.  We tell her story almost on a daily basis.  We miss her like hell.  It hurts.  I can’t deny that.  I can tell you that tears come more quickly, hearts pound much faster and guilt crosses the eyes of the person asking the question.   If they haven’t heard by now, really, why would they even imagine the answer would be, what the answer is?  Nobody assumes a baby has died when they see a couple walking with out her in the grocery store, or out dinner.  A thousand things may cross their mind, but this, I assure you is almost never one of them.  She could be with her grandparents, a neighbor, the sitter, her aunt, her uncle.  She is anywhere but gone.  In the perfect, normal, all is well, world they live in, dead is a simply unfathomable option. I can tell them my story, I can honor my little girl, over and over.  It hurts.  I want to run away and hide, but I don’t.  We do it again and again, because we must.  I simply explain what happened, they start to cry, I say “please don’t, it’s ok”, even though it isn’t and want them to cry and mourn and get angry, just like the rest of us.  I just don’t want to watch it, because then I will join them.  I cry enough tears to fill an ocean, I can’t cry every time someone else does too.  It is just so amazing to me that five months later there are still people who just don’t know.  I wonder how many people will still not know when we have a second baby.  Will they think “didn’t they have the baby a while ago?” or ask “where is your oldest today?”  How long will it take for the whole world to know!?

That’s my story today folks.

Happy 10 Months sweet Kaiya Rae.  We miss you angel.

Love,

Kaiya Rae’s Momma

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Tiffany Beach
    Apr 18, 2011 @ 16:28:08

    I hate to say this, but it’s been 5 years since my brother died and some people didn’t know until just recently. I am sorry for your pain and hope you find peace & joy once again.

    Reply

  2. Amee
    Apr 18, 2011 @ 20:29:40

    Love you Andrea.

    Happy 10 months sweet baby Kaiya. I think of you every day, and thank you for coming to visit Harleigh. I just know its you.

    Reply

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