All American Girl

Happy Memorial Day blog followers.  I can’t help but wonder what today would be like if she were here.  Dressing her up in cute little red-white-and-blue dresses, putting her curls up in pigtails with red and white bows.  I can’t help but picture her toddling around on chubby little legs, getting into everything.  Lathering sunscreen on her baby skin.  I miss my sweet little, wonderful, perfect, all American girl.  Last year I was at a picnic at the neighbors, lathering up with organic bug repellent, smelling like a walking citronella candle, trying to avoid harming her with DEET and other chemicals as she continued to grow inside me.  Counting down the days until she arrived.  Now I wish I could go back, keep her in there longer, keep her safe.  I used to only wonder and dream what it would be like to be a mommy.  Now I am one, and I still sit and wonder what it would be like.  I don’t have much else to say today, other than I miss her.  I always miss her, and I always will.

Love always,

KaiyaRae’s Momma


My Sister

“My sister looks at me with kindness.  She holds me and we cry together.  With her I can let go and sob.  Then when our tears are spent, she says something that makes us both laugh.  I find comfort in her arms, if only for a little while.” ~ From “An Empty Cradle, A Full Heart”.

I have a love for my big sister that cannot be explained.  We haven’t always been the best of friends.  Undoubtedly our childhood fights could rival the best of sibling quarrels.  She is a mere 7 years older than me.  She didn’t ask for a baby sister.  She asked for a puppy.  She got me.  She once convinced me to get into the toilet, in an attempt to flush me away.  I don’t remember it, but I hear this story and remind her of it often.  While I spent my childhood trying to be her, she spent hers begging my mother to get me away from her.  I was just a baby.  An annoying, little, copycat sister.  But I was, and always will be, her baby sister.  No matter how much we fought, how much I annoyed her, or how many of her things I ruined; My sister has always been there for me, and I for her. She has spent countless hours through out our lives teasing me to no end.  Yet, I have looked up to her, admired her, and would drop everything to run to her if she needed me.  We have been there for each other through broken dates, failed auditions and heart breaks.  We have held each others hands through funerals as we buried 3 grandparents.  We have cried, and we have laughed.  But nothing could have prepared either of us for this.  When Kaiya was in the hospital, my husband left the room to make a few phone calls.  He called my parents and his.  He called our pastor.  I’m not sure how many other calls he made, or who he talked to.  I sat by my babies side and prayed.  I thought of no one but my little girl.  He came to me a bit later and said “Both our parents are on the road.  Your sister is on the way to the airport and her plane will be here in a few hours.”  Through thick and thin.  She dropped everything and ran to the airport, to be with me.

She arrived with a bag that had been packed by her boyfriend as she rushed to finish at work.  We joke to this day about her “1000” pairs of clean under wear, and only 2 shirts and a pair of pants to wear over them.  She stood by my side, unwavering in strength, for over 2 weeks.  I needed her, and she was there.  She held me in her arms when I cried.  She fed me when I didn’t know I was hungry.  She made me laugh when I was ready to.

I am thankful for my entire family.  I am thankful my brother was able to attend his niece’s funeral and carry her casket.  I am thankful for the 2 most, wonderful and generous parents any child could ask for.  I am thankful for a wonderful, caring, loving husband who I am so very proud to call mine.  I am thankful for his family for being there for us both, and welcoming me as one of their own.  I can’t imagine my life with out any of them in it.  I love them all more than they could ever know.  But I honestly do not know what would have done, with out my sister by my side.

Thank you, Mindy, for being you.  And thanks for learning to love your bratty, little, baby sister.  I can’t imagine a life with out my Mimi.

A friend loves at all times, and kinfolk are born to share adversity. – Proverbs 17:17

Love Always,

KaiyaRae’s Momma

Mother’s Day, The final chapter

Welcome to Kaiya Rae’s Memorial Garden: 

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What a difficult and amazing journey. Thank you everyone who helped or brought flowers or decorations!

I love you so much Kaiya Rae   Missing you always

KaiyaRae’s Momma

Mother’s Day, Part 3: I am a mother, too.

I am a Mother, Too♥

You are a mother

With children in tow

It is obvious to all

and everybody knows

You hold your babies,

and kiss them goodnight

Never too long

Are they out of your sight

I am a mother, too

though it is not plain to see

For I can no longer

Hold tight to my baby

I am a mother, too

For I have given birth

And though my baby is gone

I must still walk this Earth

I have carried deep within me

A growing child, blessed

Bore her from my body

Had her placed upon my chest

I too have held, and have rocked her

And kissed her cheeks good night

Never knowing, one day

For her life we would fight

I would lay down my own life

To save her, if I could

For death stole my child

But, not my motherhood

I am a mother, too

Though it doesn’t always show

I am a mother, too

Though I can no longer watch her grow

So as you walk beside

Your living miracles today

Remember moms like me

Who must miss theirs every day

KaiyaRae’s Momma

Mother’s Day, Part 2: A special message

Kaiya sends momma  a special message, via Auntie Becky

A poem for my Mommy for Mother’s Day

 Today is special, a day to honor you.

You will be especially missing me, as much as I miss you.


You gave the best hugs and sweetest kisses too.

I am a very lucky girl to have a mommy like you.


Mother’s Day is just for you, please try to be as happy as you can.

Easier said than done, but God had a plan.


You’ll always be my mommy and me your sweet baby girl.

Celebrate your special day, you are the best mommy in the world.


We may not be together right now, but know this is true

No matter on earth or in heaven, Mommy, I’ll always love you.

I love you too sweet angel, and your Auntie Becky too. 

KaiyaRae’s Momma

Mother’s day, Part 1

There is one thing that I looked forward to more than anything else, besides watching my baby grow:  MOTHER’S DAY. I have wanted to be a momma for, well, almost literally my whole life.  This day should be one of the best days of my life.  Only 5 more days.  I’m not going to lie here, I’m flippin’ TERRIFIED.  I hate the thought of even having to wake up that day.  😦

Thanks to a wonderful husband and some really great neighbors, my Mother’s Day present,  Kaiya’s Memorial Garden, is taking shape (even despite all the rain and therefore lack of time to work on it).  All it needs now is some sort of edging and…well the FLOWERS!! I purchased a whole bunch yesterday and I can’t wait to plant them.

I’d like to share an article I found.  Not because I think none of you will be awesome enough to remember I’m a mom and try to help me out that day, but because I’m sure we have all been in a situation where we just don’t know what to do for someone when we DO want to help.  And so my friends, I leave you with this:

What Grieving Mothers Want for Mother’s Day 

By Renee Wood

Has this ever happened to you?

Someone you care about–a family member, a friend or an acquaintance – has lost a child and you don’t know what to say or do to comfort their grief?

As Mother’s Day approaches, even though they are heavy on your heart, your fear and discomfort drives you into silence and you end up saying and doing nothing at all.

The Comfort Company, an online retailer of unique sympathy gifts, recently conducted a web-based survey asking grieving mothers, “What can others say, do or give that would bring you comfort on Mother’s Day?”.

Over 80 percent of the nearly 100 respondents answered, “Recognize that I am a mother” to the question. In addition, nearly every mother surveyed wanted their loss to be remembered with a card, a phone call, a gift or a hug. Over half of the mothers surveyed considered Mother’s Day to be their most difficult holiday.

In response to the heartfelt answers given by the survey participants,  the Comfort Company has issued a list of the ten things grieving mothers want most for Mother’s Day:

1. Recognize that they are a Mother:Offer a hug and a “Happy Mother’s Day”. Send a simple Mother’s Day card to let them know you remember that they are a mother even though their child is not with them physically.

2. Acknowledge that they have had a loss:Express the message, “I know this might be a difficult day for you. I want you to know that I am thinking about you today.” Removing the wall of silence gives a grieving mother permission to talk about her child.

3. Use their child’s name in conversation:Saying the name of a child who has died is like music to a grieving mothers ears. One mother suggested, “Say his name and ask me my fondest memory of him from past Mother’s Days”.

4. Plant a living memorial:This is a wonderful day to plant a tree or flower bulbs in memory of the child. This is something that will live on as a beautiful reminder in the years to come.

5. Visit the Gravesite:Many mothers felt that it was “extremely thoughtful” when others visited their child’s gravesite and left flowers or a small pebble near the headstone.

6. Light a Candle:Let the mother know you will light a candle in memory of their child on Mother’s Day.

7. Share a Memory or Pictures of the Child:Give the precious gift of a memory. One mother wrote that the “greatest gift you can give is a heart felt letter about my child and your most lovely moments with them”.

8. Send a Gift of Remembrance:Many mothers suggested appropriate gifts of remembrance that would bring them comfort. These items included: an angel statue, a piece of jewelry, a memory box, a memorial candle, a picture frame, a library book donation, an ornament, memorial poetry, anything personalized with the child’s name or a date, books on grief, a garden stone or a toy donation in the child’s name.

9. Don’t try to minimize their loss:Avoid using any cliches that attempt to explain the death of a child. ( “God needed another angel.”) Secondly, don’t try to find anything positive about the loss ( “You still have two healthy children” or “She’s in a better place”).

10. Encourage Self-Care:Self-care is an important aspect of the “healing the mind and spirit effort” according to several mothers. Encourage a grieving mother to take care of herself.  Give her a gift certificate to a day spa or any place where she can be pampered and take her mind off of her grief for an hour or two.

And so this ends Part 1 of: Adventures of a Baby-less Mother’s Day

To all my fellow Baby-less Mommas out there; always remember this: YOU ARE A MOTHER and I YOU.

Always and Forever,

KaiyaRae’s Momma