Sometimes it’s hard to believe

Sometime’s I have a hard time believeing it.  I really had a baby.  She was actually here and she was beautiful.  Wait, or was it a dream?  Sometime’s I wonder if life with her was just a good dream, and I woke up one day, and realized she wasn’t real. 

I walk past her room and flashes of memories flood in.  I sat there with her in that rocking chair.  I walked and bounced and sang all the same time, back and forth, night after night in that little room with her.  I brushed her hair there.  I changed her diapers there.  I picked out her clothes and dressed her there.  I scooped her up from that crib every moring. “Yup she was real”, I think, as I sit on the floor in her room. The routine is always the same.  I sit for a bit.  Then I stand up and I touch the soft, fuzzy cover on her changing table, pick up the clothes still sitting in the dirty laundry pile next to it, and promply put them back again.  If I wash them, I might forget she was really here to wear them.  Maybe next week I will wash them.  Maybe I will never wash them.  I walk to her dresser and touch her Piglet Lovie, and place my hand upon the plaster mold of hers.  Then, knowing the truth, but hoping I’m wrong, I check her crib just one more time, hoping to find her sleeping peacefully.  On a good day, I kiss my hand and lay upon the place where she used to sleep, tell her I miss her and leave her room, returning to life with out her.  On a bad day, I return to the floor, and start over.  On a really bad day the spot on the floor is puddled with tears and Karl must lift me off of it before I drown.  I haven’t had one of those in quite some time.  I guess that means I’m doing well, but some days I would rather be crazy.  Being crazy would be so much easier.  I wonder if it is too late to carry around a baby doll and pretend it’s Kaiya?  I guess I’m past that stage.  Perhaps I will have to settle for crying on her floor. 

I miss you with the power of a thousand suns Kaiya Rae. 

Love,

KaiyaRae’s Momma

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My life in a song

The following song was originally written by Luke Laird, Hillary Lindsey, and Hillary Scott and is sung by Sarah Evans.  I have re-written some of the lyrics to fit the song to my life, my loss and my current stage of being at peace with Kaiya’s passing and learning to live again.

Lyrics in Italics have been changed by me. 

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I’m trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I’m getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I’m done hoping that we can bring you back,
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Trying to figure out, what went wrong.
And ohhh
I’m done thinking, that this could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn’t happen over night, but you turn around and a weeks gone by,
And you realize you haven’t cried.
I’m not missing you an hour or a second or another minute less, but.
I’m busy getting stronger.

And I’m done hoping that we can bring you back,
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Trying to figure out, what went wrong.
And ohhh
I’m done thinking, that this could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
Trying to live again without you baby,
Moving on, but I miss you baby,
I’m getting stronger every day baby.

And I’m done hoping that we can bring you back,
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Trying to figure out, what went wrong.
And ohhh
I’m done thinking, that this could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I’m just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

It isn’t easy to stop wondering why, and wishing to go back in time and change it.  The thoughts often creep into my head still, and I must push them away.  I have realized this is just the way it is.  I cannot buy a time machine, and even if I could, how would I change something, when we don’t even know what happened in the first place.  She is gone.  I am stronger because of her.  I am moving on because I have to.  I don’t miss her any less.  I am no less angry, sad or devestated that my baby died.  It just gets easier to live with a smile on my face, as each day passes.  I remind myself that my weakest days are the days in which she is nearer to me than ever.  These are the days that make me even stronger. 

I love you dearly Miss Kaiya Rae.  Forever and Always. It is through you, I find the strength to live again.

Love,

KaiyaRae’s Momma