Sometimes it’s hard to believe

Sometime’s I have a hard time believeing it.  I really had a baby.  She was actually here and she was beautiful.  Wait, or was it a dream?  Sometime’s I wonder if life with her was just a good dream, and I woke up one day, and realized she wasn’t real. 

I walk past her room and flashes of memories flood in.  I sat there with her in that rocking chair.  I walked and bounced and sang all the same time, back and forth, night after night in that little room with her.  I brushed her hair there.  I changed her diapers there.  I picked out her clothes and dressed her there.  I scooped her up from that crib every moring. “Yup she was real”, I think, as I sit on the floor in her room. The routine is always the same.  I sit for a bit.  Then I stand up and I touch the soft, fuzzy cover on her changing table, pick up the clothes still sitting in the dirty laundry pile next to it, and promply put them back again.  If I wash them, I might forget she was really here to wear them.  Maybe next week I will wash them.  Maybe I will never wash them.  I walk to her dresser and touch her Piglet Lovie, and place my hand upon the plaster mold of hers.  Then, knowing the truth, but hoping I’m wrong, I check her crib just one more time, hoping to find her sleeping peacefully.  On a good day, I kiss my hand and lay upon the place where she used to sleep, tell her I miss her and leave her room, returning to life with out her.  On a bad day, I return to the floor, and start over.  On a really bad day the spot on the floor is puddled with tears and Karl must lift me off of it before I drown.  I haven’t had one of those in quite some time.  I guess that means I’m doing well, but some days I would rather be crazy.  Being crazy would be so much easier.  I wonder if it is too late to carry around a baby doll and pretend it’s Kaiya?  I guess I’m past that stage.  Perhaps I will have to settle for crying on her floor. 

I miss you with the power of a thousand suns Kaiya Rae. 


KaiyaRae’s Momma


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jennifer Crabtree
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 11:57:39

    As I sit here in a puddle of tears in front of my computer, I want to thank you for sharing her story, your story with me.

    Imaging your sweet Kaiya in heaven, playing with my sweet angel Ashton, who’ve I’ve yet to meet does help a smile to cross my face, I know one day we will hold them in our arms, snuggle with them and never again have to lose them. Bless you hun.


  2. Marisela Avila
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 14:08:41

    I’m sorry love…. always remember that you are in my prayers!


  3. Juliana Ristic
    Aug 31, 2011 @ 16:14:52

    Hi,You dont know me,My name is Juliana,I just lost my son Johnnie Ray on August 10th He was 1 one old.He also passed from SIDS. I just wanted to say that reading this has helped a bit,Knowing someone else feels my pain


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