Along came a Rainbow

“Rainbow Babies” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. -Author Unknown

Rainbow Baby is term used among bereaved parents to represent the baby/babies conceived and born after loss due to miscarriage, still birth or infant death.  A rainbow is a symbol of hope, a light at the end of the tunnel, beauty born out of chaos.  It isn’t easy to imagine raising another child, after such a profound loss.  One entertains questions from “will this baby die too?” to “will this child feel less important, less loved, then their sibling?”  Though among the aftermath of tragedy, and the fear of the unknown, the prospect of being parents again, brings hope and faith, laughter and love.

My rainbow came disguised, of course as a lady bug.  One day, in August, Karl and I walked along the quiet streets of our neighborhood, chatting away, and sometime flew from the tree above and landed on my belly.  As I started to freak out, thinking it was a scary bug (I HATE bugs!), I realized it was a lady bug.  It sat for a minute as we continued our walk, and then softly flew away.  I wondered about the meaning of this little visitor, knowing it was a special sign from my little angel.  For two weeks, I anxiously waited to find out if this little visitor had left a special gift behind.  Sure enough, two weeks later, we found out that our very own Rainbow Baby was on its way.

As we approach a very a daunting time in our lives, the anniversary of the loss of our precious first born little girl, the day our lives changed forever, we prepare for our lives to change all over again.  With each passing day we realize again, just how quickly time flies, and how powerful a moment can be.  Excitement entwines with fear, grief mixes with hope.  Time passes entirely too quickly and I can’t seem to catch up with it all!  Here I sit, just over 13 weeks along, and growing every day.  Yet Kaiya’s room still sits, sheet on crib, pile of laundry next to changing table and K A I Y A hanging above.  Karl says when I am ready, he will take it down, and change the sheet, and put away the clothes.  When I’m ready.  I’m not ready.  I’m ready to be a momma again. I am ready for a huge, bulging belly with sweet little feet in my ribs.  I am ready to hold and nurse and rock a new baby again.  I am ready to welcome a new life, but I can’t seem to part with what is left of hers.  It will come.  I know her things will always be a part of our home, and our lives forever, and I know this baby needs a special room of it’s own.  I will get there.  My rainbow will help.  My angel will help.  For now, I’d just like to sit and stare in wonder at my growing belly and enjoy a world where emotions run free and it’s ok, because I’m pregnant and all pregnant women are crazy!

Today we rejoice in the time we had, the beauty yet to be seen and the memories we will always share.

To Rainbows and Ladybugs. Here begins a new chapter in the life of a SIDS mom.


KaiyaRae’s Momma

Believe in magic

I haven’t written in a long time.  It isn’t because I don’t have anything to talk about, or that I don’t miss my sweet girl as much.  Life just kind of takes over sometimes.  I’m sure everyone can understand that.  Sometimes I write blogs in my head while I am busy doing other things, and I just never get around to actually typing them up, or forget to when I am actually sitting at the computer.  Of course, almost a year has gone by now, and I am certainly in a much better place than I was 8, 6, or even 3 months ago, so I don’t need an outlet as much as I used to either.  Believe me I have my moments where I still want to scream and I hate the world because she isn’t in it.  I don’t think about her any less, that is for sure.  I have just come to a place where I can smile when I think of her, more often than cry.  Of course as write this, a tear rolls down my cheek, but only because blogging time, is always a “good cry” time for me.

Today is Monday.  Monday’s were always the hardest, and lately have been pretty hard again.  Monday is my day off, and Karl is always working on Monday’s unless it is a holiday or something.  So Monday was always Kaiya and Momma day.  Just the two of us.  So often Monday’s lately have been me attempting several times a day to peel my body out of bed or off the couch, and failing.  Filled with “I’ll do this” and “I’ll do that”  notions, that usually never happen. Sometimes because I am sad and depressed, but usually because I just get so tired and lazy! If I leave the house at all on a Monday it is only because I have an appointment, which is usually therapy.  Most times I barely get myself together to get to therapy, and, well it’s therapy, it helps me!  Today my list of things to do included cleaning up Kaiya’s garden a bit and racking the leaves in the yard.  Barely wanting to stand up long enough to switch loads of laundry, something I must do, or we wont have clean clothes to wear, I didn’t think I’d make it out the door.  Finally this afternoon, I decided I couldn’t be lazy and depressed all day, every Monday and I needed some fresh air.  I headed out to the gardens and began clipping some dead heads from the flowers.  I noticed a bug fly by and jumped.  Then watching it, I thought it looked like a ladybug.  Following it to its landing spot, I realized it was a ladybug.  I watching if for a minute, and talked to it as if it were Kaiya, something I always do when I see a ladybug.  Then I noticed another one.  Looked around and noticed another, and another, and realized I was surrounded by them.  There were thousands.  The covered the front porch and garden, the side wall of the house and Kaiya’s garden!  Like magic they just seemed to keep multiplying.  Like magic, my little girls spirit surrounded me, and I all I could do was smile.   Believe in magic.  Look closely and you will see it all around.  If I hadn’t gone out to the garden today, I never would have known I was surrounded my thousands of ladybugs, and my baby girls happy spirit.  She is with me everyday, but sometimes it’s up to me to find her!  Sometimes you just have to remember that you believe in magic, in order to get yourself out of bed and find it!

I love you sweet Kaiya Rae.  I love more and more each day.  Keep watching over your Momma and daddy, and cousins and friends too.  I love you to the moon and back, forever and always.  Until we meet again, I hold you in my heart.

KaiyaRae’s Momma