Believe in magic

I haven’t written in a long time.  It isn’t because I don’t have anything to talk about, or that I don’t miss my sweet girl as much.  Life just kind of takes over sometimes.  I’m sure everyone can understand that.  Sometimes I write blogs in my head while I am busy doing other things, and I just never get around to actually typing them up, or forget to when I am actually sitting at the computer.  Of course, almost a year has gone by now, and I am certainly in a much better place than I was 8, 6, or even 3 months ago, so I don’t need an outlet as much as I used to either.  Believe me I have my moments where I still want to scream and I hate the world because she isn’t in it.  I don’t think about her any less, that is for sure.  I have just come to a place where I can smile when I think of her, more often than cry.  Of course as write this, a tear rolls down my cheek, but only because blogging time, is always a “good cry” time for me.

Today is Monday.  Monday’s were always the hardest, and lately have been pretty hard again.  Monday is my day off, and Karl is always working on Monday’s unless it is a holiday or something.  So Monday was always Kaiya and Momma day.  Just the two of us.  So often Monday’s lately have been me attempting several times a day to peel my body out of bed or off the couch, and failing.  Filled with “I’ll do this” and “I’ll do that”  notions, that usually never happen. Sometimes because I am sad and depressed, but usually because I just get so tired and lazy! If I leave the house at all on a Monday it is only because I have an appointment, which is usually therapy.  Most times I barely get myself together to get to therapy, and, well it’s therapy, it helps me!  Today my list of things to do included cleaning up Kaiya’s garden a bit and racking the leaves in the yard.  Barely wanting to stand up long enough to switch loads of laundry, something I must do, or we wont have clean clothes to wear, I didn’t think I’d make it out the door.  Finally this afternoon, I decided I couldn’t be lazy and depressed all day, every Monday and I needed some fresh air.  I headed out to the gardens and began clipping some dead heads from the flowers.  I noticed a bug fly by and jumped.  Then watching it, I thought it looked like a ladybug.  Following it to its landing spot, I realized it was a ladybug.  I watching if for a minute, and talked to it as if it were Kaiya, something I always do when I see a ladybug.  Then I noticed another one.  Looked around and noticed another, and another, and realized I was surrounded by them.  There were thousands.  The covered the front porch and garden, the side wall of the house and Kaiya’s garden!  Like magic they just seemed to keep multiplying.  Like magic, my little girls spirit surrounded me, and I all I could do was smile.   Believe in magic.  Look closely and you will see it all around.  If I hadn’t gone out to the garden today, I never would have known I was surrounded my thousands of ladybugs, and my baby girls happy spirit.  She is with me everyday, but sometimes it’s up to me to find her!  Sometimes you just have to remember that you believe in magic, in order to get yourself out of bed and find it!

I love you sweet Kaiya Rae.  I love more and more each day.  Keep watching over your Momma and daddy, and cousins and friends too.  I love you to the moon and back, forever and always.  Until we meet again, I hold you in my heart.

KaiyaRae’s Momma


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Rebecca Bell
    Oct 10, 2011 @ 22:53:32

    so beautiful hugs mama you are a amazing and strong


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