Along came a Rainbow

“Rainbow Babies” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. -Author Unknown

Rainbow Baby is term used among bereaved parents to represent the baby/babies conceived and born after loss due to miscarriage, still birth or infant death.  A rainbow is a symbol of hope, a light at the end of the tunnel, beauty born out of chaos.  It isn’t easy to imagine raising another child, after such a profound loss.  One entertains questions from “will this baby die too?” to “will this child feel less important, less loved, then their sibling?”  Though among the aftermath of tragedy, and the fear of the unknown, the prospect of being parents again, brings hope and faith, laughter and love.

My rainbow came disguised, of course as a lady bug.  One day, in August, Karl and I walked along the quiet streets of our neighborhood, chatting away, and sometime flew from the tree above and landed on my belly.  As I started to freak out, thinking it was a scary bug (I HATE bugs!), I realized it was a lady bug.  It sat for a minute as we continued our walk, and then softly flew away.  I wondered about the meaning of this little visitor, knowing it was a special sign from my little angel.  For two weeks, I anxiously waited to find out if this little visitor had left a special gift behind.  Sure enough, two weeks later, we found out that our very own Rainbow Baby was on its way.

As we approach a very a daunting time in our lives, the anniversary of the loss of our precious first born little girl, the day our lives changed forever, we prepare for our lives to change all over again.  With each passing day we realize again, just how quickly time flies, and how powerful a moment can be.  Excitement entwines with fear, grief mixes with hope.  Time passes entirely too quickly and I can’t seem to catch up with it all!  Here I sit, just over 13 weeks along, and growing every day.  Yet Kaiya’s room still sits, sheet on crib, pile of laundry next to changing table and K A I Y A hanging above.  Karl says when I am ready, he will take it down, and change the sheet, and put away the clothes.  When I’m ready.  I’m not ready.  I’m ready to be a momma again. I am ready for a huge, bulging belly with sweet little feet in my ribs.  I am ready to hold and nurse and rock a new baby again.  I am ready to welcome a new life, but I can’t seem to part with what is left of hers.  It will come.  I know her things will always be a part of our home, and our lives forever, and I know this baby needs a special room of it’s own.  I will get there.  My rainbow will help.  My angel will help.  For now, I’d just like to sit and stare in wonder at my growing belly and enjoy a world where emotions run free and it’s ok, because I’m pregnant and all pregnant women are crazy!

Today we rejoice in the time we had, the beauty yet to be seen and the memories we will always share.

To Rainbows and Ladybugs. Here begins a new chapter in the life of a SIDS mom.

Love,

KaiyaRae’s Momma

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Melissa McConnell
    Oct 31, 2011 @ 16:13:57

    You have no idea how much I can relate to your post! I’m 20 weeks along, and in three weeks will be the 1st year mark when my Daughter passed away. As you stated, her room (letters on wall, clothes, sheets, photos, toys, animals) is exactly where she left it 11 months ago. I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to take it down, or what I’ll end up doing. I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one going through this 🙂

    Reply

  2. Natalia Windisch
    Oct 31, 2011 @ 21:42:20

    Andrea, words cannot describe the impact that your story, your posts and your blog have had on what kind of a mom I am to my six month old. Anytime I’m challenged with Lucy’s teething, a sore throat, a difficult night, I don’t get frustrated, I just hug her even tighter and give ger a huge kiss on her plumpy cheek and whisper mommy loves you into her ear. And your rainbow baby gives all of us so much faith that life in this world has, despite all, a lot of sweetness to it.

    Reply

  3. amourningmom
    Nov 04, 2011 @ 14:46:09

    I am so happy to read about your Rainbow baby! I look forward to reading more about him/her. I wish I could write something to ease your fears about being pregnant again. I don’t have any magic words so I am sending you peace and hugs. Take care.

    Reply

  4. Dawn Ourada
    Nov 06, 2011 @ 23:07:07

    Our Lexi Rae was born on August 27, 2009, and joined her 2 loving big sisters at home. Oh, she brought us so much joy. She had the brightest blue eyes, most infectious laugh, and chubbiest legs. Then on April 7, 2010, our sitter put her down for her nap and she didn’t wake up. We were devastated. Our 2 other girls have really helped with our healing and we talk about her every day, after prayers we take time to talk about her, what we miss, what we loved. I tell my girls she is still with us, because I believe that. In fact, after everyone left our home that night of the day she passed, the four of us were sitting on the couch, numb, and her Barnyard toy went off. It never just went off before. We looked at each other and said there’s Lexi. I truly believe it was. I wish we had support groups in our area. We live in a small town, so we don’t have that. We did try therapy for a couple times, but I don’t think the therapist helped and he even commented that he thought we were handling it well on our own, by talking about our feelings with each at home and about Lexi. We are still healing, but it isn’t as painful as it was. I think I’m ready to put her things away and have a cedar chest for everything, but have still put it off. I too started journaling when she passed. It helps me to get my feelings out, especially the angry feelings I don’t want to say aloud. I just discovered your blog tonight, so I will definitely continue checking in. Thank you!

    Reply

    • Grieving.Momma
      Nov 07, 2011 @ 08:49:49

      Thank you for sharing your story. I can’t imagine not having a support group! I’m so sorry there isn’t one in your town. There are some online ones available online and on Facebook. If you haven’t already please check them out. Even if it isn’t in person, it helps to share stories, pain and other thoughts with people who know exactly what you are going through!

      Reply

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