The most wonderful time of the year.

Though I have much more hope in my heart this year, it still doesn’t feel like Christmas with out her.  I can’t stop looking at toys and clothes that I would buy her this year, and staring at her stocking, wondering what we would fill it with.  Feeling saddened that her beautiful, hand-made stocking, has never been filled, and will never be.  We have filled this season with all types of “Christmassy” buying toys and gifts for less fortunate little ones, making wreaths for the nursing home at the Advent night at church, caroling with the youth group.  It really does feel like a wonderful time of year.  It’s just that the most wonderful thing about it, is missing.  She would be 18 months old this Christmas, this past Saturday to be exact.  Such a big girl!  I chose an 18 month old little girl, who apparently lives only a few miles away, from the Angel Tree this year.  I bought the cutest little lime green bubble coat and wonderful little musical learning toy.  I wish I could meet her and see her open it up on Christmas!  I wish Kaiya were here, and opening up matching packages on Christmas day.  I’m doing quite well, in terms of the grieving realm, these days.  I still think about her all the time, and of course I still wish I could change what happened, and that she were here with me.  I’ve found tremendous hope and strength through this wonderful baby, this new light in life, growing inside.  It’s hard not to say “if” instead of “when”, in conversing about this little one.  It has taken a lot of strength and self talk to change the way I see the future.  Of course none of us know what the future brings, and how long each of us will walk this Earth. I do know that I have faith and trust that this baby is here to stay.  It doesn’t stop the worry and the wonder, those are always there.  It takes tremendous strength these days to plan ahead, to have hopes and dreams for this little girl.  I must believe she WILL be here next Christmas.  We WILL fill her stocking, she WILL open her gifts.  As I type this, I feel a little bump-bump from inside.  Which is still rare these days.  A little reminder that she’s still here, that she isn’t going anywhere for a long time.  We had an appointment and ultra sound with a specialist at Maternal Fetal Medicine at the hospital for our 20 (well 19) week visit.  Not because we, or my doctor, thought there was anything to be found, just as a precaution.  We found out of course, that miss Kaiya Rae, is having a little sister!  We also got to see some really neat things, like the blood flow from the placenta and the cord, and from the cord to her organs, in and out of her lungs, kidneys, heart.  All of which looked excellent, according to the tech and doctor!  We also found out that I have something called Anterior Placenta.  This isn’t an issue, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong.  It just means the placenta attached in the front, and thus acts somewhat like a shock absorber to the baby’s movement and kicks.  It makes most of her movements completely unnoticeable and the ones that I do feel are not very strong yet.  It just makes for a nervous mommy really.  Within the next few weeks, she should be big enough and strong enough, that I’ll start to feel movements regularly and more on a “normal” scale, compared to other pregnancies.  I though we just had a quiet baby, not as active as her sister.  Boy was I wrong!  She was moving non-stop during the ultrasound, so active it was hard for the tech to get her to stay in a position long enough to get a pic and take measurements!  All that movement and all I felt was 2 little bump-bumps.  All in all it was a wonderful little early Christmas present to get to see her, and find out the great news that she looks perfect and healthy in there, all her organs in the right places and working correctly!  I’ve realized something the past week.  Every time I pass Kaiya’s bedroom, I blow a kiss and say I love you.  Not that I just realized that, I’ve been doing that for a long time.  What a realized is, I talk to my angel, blow her kisses, tell her I love her, all the time.  Though, short of a little “Hello baby” when I feel a little bump inside, and of course singing to her, I had yet to talk to our new little bundle.  I hadn’t yet told her that I love her, blown her a kiss.  I instantly felt horrible, like I was already treating her as “less” than her sister.  I know it isn’t true, it isn’t something I meant to do and it was just part of my habit, and I wasn’t yet into the habit of it with her.  After all, she’s still so new!  Since that moment of realization, each time I pass Kaiya’s room, and blow my kiss, I take a little kiss and place it on my tummy too!  I love both of my sweet girls, equally.  I know that.  I just want to make sure THEY know that.  That is the important part.  I’ve gotten way off track.  This was supposed to be a post about Christmas!  It’s been a while since I’ve written and I guess I just had a lot to say.  It really is a wonderful time of year.  We have so much to be hopeful and thankful for.  It’s hard to remember that sometimes.  Have a very Merry Christmas my blog friends.

♥Ladybugs and Rainbows ♥

With Hope and Faith,

KaiyaRae’s Momma