And so it begins.

There is only so much a person can do to combat fear and anxiety.  I do pretty well when I’m awake.  I’m a lean, mean, positive thinking, self talk using, praying machine.  When awful, terrible visions and thoughts creep in, I’m pretty darn good at chasing them away.   There isn’t much I can do it about when I’m sleeping though.  The first few weeks after Kaiya nights were filled with terrible, strange, dead baby related nightmares.  The only thing to stop them and help me sleep was medication.  Pregnancy not only triggers some really strange dreams for me (not all scary nightmares, but very vivid and strange none the less), it also does not lend to using medication to sleep without remembering them.  I’ve had nightmares this pregnancy about tornadoes, fires, other strange and creepy disaster type things.  The one thing I had made it this first 24 weeks with out, were nightmares about the baby.  I knew it would come, but still I hoped and prayed it wouldn’t .  It did anyway.  Saturday night I had my first baby nightmare.  Not just any baby nightmare.  A SIDS nightmare.  It started out fine, I was holding and playing with my little girl.  I tried to nurse her and she wouldn’t latch.  In the dream I had been out for the day and left her with her Nana so I remember thinking she probably isn’t hungry because Nana gave her a bottle.  I swaddled her all up, but she kept fighting the swaddle.  Finally I got her swaddled up and to sleep.  Later I went to check on her, and that’s when it flipped from just a vivid dream to a nightmare.  I found her face down and cold.  I screamed “NO! NO!” and flipped her over.  Then it turned into a strange, unrealistic nightmare.  She was in a tiny tin box.  As I pulled her out of the box her sweet face turned into some sort of demon baby looking face.  An obviously not alive, demon baby face.  I tried starting CPR and every time I breathed into her, her body made all kinds of strange wheezing sounds. The last thing I remember is looking at the scary, strange, hollow eyed, mouth open demon baby face.  Then I woke up suddenly, eyes snapped open, in a full on sweat, with my heart pounding out of control.  I can self talk and pray my way out of a lot of things.  But I can’t seem to talk my out of seeing that horrible demon baby face every time I close my eyes.  The only peace I can find is that it did turn into an unrealistic, demonic nightmare, rather than a vivid real life scenario.  This is just another part of the journey.  The fear, the anxiety and the awful dreams of terrible things happening to my sweet baby.  This is what the rest of my life is like.  Thanks SIDS.  I appreciate the parting gifts….

 

With hope for sweeter dreams…

 

KaiyaRae’s Momma