It only took 3.5 months….

I realized something the other day. I realized I love my baby. No I’m not saying I didn’t love her before she was born, or as soon as she was born, or all the time she’s been here. Of course I loved her. I would give my life for her. I just didn’t allow myself to feel that deep love, that feeling where you love someone so much it is scary, so much it hurts. I had my guard up. I bonded with my baby, but something in the depths of my brain where evil thoughts lurk, kept me from truly letting go. I had to allow myself to believe I would be ok if she died too. Truth is, it would never have been, is not and will never be ok. It only took me 3.5 months to realize this. I love my baby so much that it scares me. I had a good cry with this realization. The realization that my very well being depends on the well being of this small child. I didn’t cry because I’m scared, or because I don’t want this feeling. I cried because it took me so long to love her this much. I cried because it sucks that our past prevented me from innocently loving my child with as much passion as I loved her sister the moment I laid eyes on her. I’m sorry sweet Elle Belle. I have always and will always love you just as much as your big sister, it just took me a while to allow myself to admit it. You are the light in a world full of darkness, the rainbow in the sky full of raindrops. I thank God every single for day for each moment you are in my life, and I pray for a gazillion more moments to come.

Ladybugs and Rainbows forever.

I need a new signature…..one that labels me as Momma to BOTH of my sweet girls!!
Ideas welcome 🙂