Because it has been too long

A new entry to this “long-lost blog”, because it has been too long, and I have a lot on my mind as the Holiday season begins once again.  My thoughts, in the form of a letter to my beloved 2nd daughter, my Rainbow, my Eliana Nicole.

Dearest Eliana,

My heart aches for you.  Though you are a wonderful, beautiful, healthy and happy tiny girl, who seems to have everything a small one could want for, you will always miss something you never knew, but should have.  As I reminisce about the years I spent growing up with a big sister, a tear rolls down my cheek.  For you will never know the glory of being the little sister.  You will never know the silliness, the laughter, the love, the tenderness, the wonder that is a big sister. Even the fights, the envy, the anger and tears that having a big sister can bring, will be absent from your life, and even this breaks my heart.  I know a time may come in every little girl’s life, who never had a big sister because she is the oldest, or the only, or has a family full of boys, when she will say to her mother “I wish I had a big sister.”  This doesn’t console my aching heart.  For these little girls were never meant to have a big sister.  You my child, are different.  You have a big sister.  One that will always be a part of our family, one that will always be the rock that holds us together, but one that you can never see, or hold, or hit, or bite.  Not one who can braid your hair, teach you about boys, hold your hand when you cross the street, scold you for touching her things, be annoyed at you for trying to be just like her, hug you when you are sad.  You will never know the special bond that is the love between a little sister and her big sissy.  In fact some day you may take the role as BIG sister, although you were meant to be the little.  Though I know your life will not suffer, and you are loved beyond words, my heart still aches.  For I cannot imagine my life with out my big sister, your aunt Mimi, by my side.  I wish so much your sissy were here for you in the same way mine has been with me.

There will be a day when I will hear you utter the words “I wish I had a big sister” and my heart will fall into pieces.  I will simply say “you do, my love, and she is always here” as a tear rolls down my cheek and I gently tap your chest, above your beautiful, strong, little heart.  For you may never know what it is like to grow up with a big sister by your side, but you my love, are lucky enough to have your very own angel. 

I love you more than you may ever know. 

Love,  Momma